Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Faith, welcome aboard to the show today. It's an absolute pleasure to talk to you. I'd like to start with a difficult question.
Growing up, what was the most difficult point that you can remember?
[00:00:14] Speaker B: I would say the most difficult point of my childhood was really the adjustment after my parents got divorced, I was six or seven. When my parents got divorced, I was the oldest. And so overnight kind of went from a two parent household to grappling with the changes. My parents went through a pretty brutal custody battle, and then when my dad got full custody of my brother and I, I also kind of overnight had to start learning additional responsibilities.
You know, my dad did the very, very best he could and had a lot of responsibilities that also started falling on him overnight. Um, going from, again, a two parent household to a one parent household. Um, but I think that that really helped shape who I am as a person, and I'm actually really grateful. Looking back on it as an adult, probably as a child, I wouldn't have said that. But as an adult, looking back, I really do believe that that was a turning point in my life, and one of the reasons that I do the work that I do and even ended up getting the degree that I did in college.
[00:01:19] Speaker A: I really love your optimistic view. We hear this from a lot of guests that say, I wouldn't change anything, because if I changed anything, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. So I absolutely love your comments.
Being in a single parent family has its own challenges.
What are those challenges? What does that look like, and how did you overcome those challenges together?
[00:01:43] Speaker B: So, for me personally, one of the things I think that was really hard about being in a single parent household was often the comparison of my family to other families, even though my dad never made that connection for us, of saying that we were different or we were less than.
Oftentimes, I would hear my friends or my classmates talk about the joys or the additional experiences that they got from having two parents, or even the lack of understanding if there were things that I couldn't do or maybe opportunities where I couldn't have a parent present for something because my dad was working. My dad was an entrepreneur growing up, and so he traveled a lot, but did his very, very best to make it to as many sports games or PTA meetings that he could. And I never felt less than. I never felt that he wasn't present at a lot of those things. I think personally, you know, as teenagers especially, there's always so many comparisons that we make to other people, other families.
Social media was just kind of starting to become more popular when I was a teenager. And so I internalized a lot of those things, but, you know, was able to luckily, have a couple other close friends of mine who were also being raised by single parents. And so we were able to connect with one another on that. And actually, one of my childhood best friends was being raised by a single father as well, which isn't as common as single mothers. And so we were able to be a really good support to one another because we could identify what the other person was going through and some of the challenges that being raised specifically by a single father brought on, because that's not the societal norm for single parents.
[00:03:35] Speaker A: And you talk about how your experiences growing up informed your choices of education and choices of career. Can you tell us a little bit more about that story?
[00:03:46] Speaker B: Yeah, I really chose the career path, or I say it chose me. I don't think I woke up one day and said, this is what I want to do with my life.
But I was really fascinated from a young age about how people operate, how psychology works. And that's something that my dad brought into his work a lot as well. He did a lot of self study in neuro linguistic programming and how people make choices and decisions. And we had a lot of conversations around that in our household. And from a very young age, I found it so fascinating, like why people do what they do, what good and bad happens to people. And when I went to college, I didn't fully know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to help people. And so to me, the obvious choice was kind of a psychology based field. I ended up choosing a degree in human development and really focused on learning specifically about children. So child psychology and how our trauma and our childhood really stay with us throughout our lifetime, and then going into the social service kind of human development, helping people field, I started seeing a lot of those things that I was learning in class come into reality and started building my idea of what I wanted my future to look like just based on the people that I was engaging with and interacting with. I never really expected personally to go into owning my own consulting practice, but as I was working in the nonprofit field, in the public health field, in the education field, and seeing the different partnerships and different patterns that continue to arise regardless of the people that I was working with, when the opportunity kind of presented itself based on where my husband's career was going to take us, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to branch out and kind of create my own practice, to be able to not just work with one organization or even one type of individual, but really focus on things more from an education and systematic perspective.
[00:05:58] Speaker A: And when you talk about the patterns or the challenges that your community or clients are facing, tell us more about those.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: I think most people operate from a place of survival instead of optimistic thriving. And part of that, I think, is just society. We're in a very stressful time right now, and I think it has been that way for the past couple of decades. People always ask me, like, faith, do you feel like Covid brought about the mental health crisis? And they say, no. I think that we were already in a mental health crisis beforehand, but that really exacerbated it. I don't think we as adults are really taught as children ways to cope, ways to process our emotions in a healthy manner, and how to develop the skills that we need to operate our lives successfully. And so those are things that I often talk with people do a lot of education around, and just help people understand that we are in control of how we respond to situations. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. And oftentimes, what I've found is just helping people to understand a little bit more about how our brains operate and how we take ourselves from survival mode into clear cognitive understanding of what's going on around us. Often you see those light bulb moments happen, and people feel a little bit more in control of where they are in the world, how they show up. And I think that brings about a lot of freedom in that we aren't just here by chance. We aren't just here by the culmination of choices that other people make for us. But really, we have a direct say in how we show up in the world.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: You talked about tools or tactics to take that control, and I'm paraphrasing your words, so keep me honest here.
[00:07:58] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: Give us an example, if you can, without any names, of one of those bold moments that you mentioned. And what are the tools and techniques that we can use in order to take the control back?
[00:08:13] Speaker B: So oftentimes, when I'm talking with clients or when I've done workshops, I've been in conversation one on one with people, I often first ask them a kind of clarifying question of reflecting on their why. So why are they showing up in the world and the way they are? Or why have they chosen a specific career path? And what is it about them and about that opportunity that really lights their heart on fire? And maybe it doesn't. Maybe they're just in a job because they need to pay their bills. But I think that so much of what we do goes back to our values and who we are as individuals, as people, how we were raised. And so I like to start with that grounding question of redefining your purpose or your why and reflecting on how that why brings you to where you're at. And again, if it doesn't, then that opens up a whole other can of worms. Right? Reflecting on, okay, if you're not getting fulfilled through the work that you're doing, how do we change that? And maybe it's not changing your job, but changing the expectations you put on your job or the parameters in which you show up. I think oftentimes we, as people, forget that we have an active choice in how we show up. And we just kind of get in our routines, right? Our day to day, our brains are designed to operate based on patterns and efficiencies. And if we don't take intentional time and effort to reflect on how we're showing up, reflect on what emotions are coming out in certain situations, we really just get stuck in patterns of operating on autopilot. And then sometimes months or even years go by and we look back with regrets. And so that's probably the biggest thing that I try to work with people on, is that intentionality and taking back control of our thoughts, habits, and emotions.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: I love that. You know, I would say that a vast majority of the guests that we talk to who have been through really difficult events, they talk about how owning their choices and their ability to forge their own path forward, as opposed to being a victim, which really is, oh, this is happening to me. Actually, I had one guest say, I said, oh, this happened to you? And she was like, no, Ari, this happened for me. And that really took me aback. I really appreciate that approach. I wanted to ask you, when you look over the next five years, what are the things that you want to accomplish?
[00:11:06] Speaker B: It's funny that you asked this question, because I used to be a person that had my entire life planned out. I used to be, and I still struggle with it. But being a control addict, I'll say, I think because of the trauma that happened to me when I was a child, I used that sense of control to give myself peace. And then as an adult, realizing that I'm really not in control of what happens around me, I'm just in control of how I respond was freeing and also a struggle to give up some of that sense of control, so to say. And so then, you know, life has an interesting way of working out with my husband's career.
We are going to be pretty mobile for the next probably four years. In about a year and a half, we're going to have to move again for his next round of training. And then two years after that, when he's done with training, we'll be able to really settle down. And so when I think about what my life looks like over the next five years, I'm definitely grateful and excited that my husband will finally be done with his medical training after almost 15 years. At that point of us being together and him being in training since day one, and then I'll be excited to figure out what that stability looks like in our lives of being able to kind of set roots somewhere.
And then I'm just excited to continue to see how my business grows and develops. I've been in business full time for almost 18 months and have been able to hire my first staff member and really excited to see how we can continue to expand our team, our offerings, and the impact that we get to have in the world. But I don't know that at this moment in time I could tell you exactly what the next five years looks like, and I'm okay with that. And this is probably the first time in my life that I would be able to say, I don't have a full five year plan, and I'm okay with it.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: I absolutely love that. I've always been much like you were, that you need to have a plan, you need to know where you're going. But then repeatedly, I've come across people who don't have a plan, don't want to have a plan, and things kind of work out. So at some stage, I've kind of accepted that, you know, not having a plan is also okay, even though that was uncomfortable for me.
I want to change the topic a little bit and talk about fear and its role, both for children and adults. Is fear necessarily a bad thing or is it also a necessary tool?
[00:13:44] Speaker B: I think it's both. It is definitely a necessary tool to drive us forward.
But I also think sometimes we allow fear to take too much control. So in our bodies, fear and excitement have the same physiological response. And so sometimes I have to trick myself or even when I'm talking with clients or friends and ask them, are you really fearful? Or is it just something new and exciting? And fear is not necessarily a bad thing unless you allow it to stop you. Oftentimes it's just our body and our brain's way of saying, hey, we don't have all the details. We don't know exactly what this is going to look like, but that doesn't mean that you should allow that to stop you in your place. For example, a year and a half ago, my husband and I moved from Texas, where we had been living for most of our lives, to the midwest. We're now in Columbus, Ohio. And that was so, there were so many unknowns, and it was a little bit fearful, there was a little bit of excitement, and there was a lot of just like, okay, we're going to figure this out as we go. And if you would have asked me five years ago if I could uproot my entire life and leave all of my friends and family behind and move a thousand miles away, I probably would have told you no. But I looked at it as an opportunity for growth, for something new, to make new friends, to expand my horizons. And now looking back, if I would have allowed fear to control how I responded to the situation, I definitely think that I would have missed a lot of opportunities for growth and new relationships along the way.
[00:15:27] Speaker A: How would you say that that was a very difficult decision for you to kind of move away from your friends and family's environment?
[00:15:37] Speaker B: So part of it was beyond my control, knowing my husband's in the medical field. And when you graduate from medical school and start your kind of formal training, you go through a match process where you have to submit your rankings of the places that you've interviewed, and it's up to a computer algorithm where you move. So part of it was, it was literally out of my control. Once we submitted our ranking list, it was wherever the match system told us we were going. And then once we got the match, my husband legally was bound to that contract. So we had to go regardless. And unless I was going to get divorced or not see my husband for three years, I just had to accept that this is where life was taking us. So I think part of that was kind of a blessing and that I really didn't have a choice other than a choice in how I chose to look at the situation. And so, you know, like I said earlier, we don't always have a choice in what happens to us in life, whether it's what happens with our family or maybe our jobs or the economy or insert any number of things, but we can choose how we respond. And something that I've really tried to do as a maturing adult, as well as talk with my friends, my clients, is when something happens, don't just say the first thing or respond in the first way. That comes to your mind, stop and take a couple of breaths and really reflect on what's going on and what is the best response, because oftentimes the first thought that comes into our mind when a stressful situation happens is our survival instincts kicking in. And that is not the side of our brain or the part of our brain that we really want to be reacting in when it comes to logical decisions, supporting relationships, professional environments. And so that would be my biggest challenge for myself and for others is when something stressful happens, just take a couple seconds and give yourself a chance to regulate before you respond.
[00:17:41] Speaker A: Wonderful faith. What's the role of building a community or a support system in this journey?
[00:17:50] Speaker B: Community is key. Relationships are key. You know, you can't really get back your time. I always say you can make more money, but you can't replace the people that support you along the journey. Whether it's your biological family, your chosen family, your friends, a religious community, you can't go it alone. And today, now more than ever, I think a recent statistic that I saw is like, 60% of adults feel lonely, and yet we're at a time in history where we're more connected, quote unquote, now than ever. But I think sometimes it's really easy to look at the followers that you have on social media or the number of contacts that you have in your phone and like, oh, yeah, I've got a good community, I'm connected. But if you're not taking the intentional time to pour into those people and allow them to pour back into you, then you're not going to feel fulfilled. We each need social engagement and interaction to feel connected. And I think that the connection really is a buffer for stress, social isolation, for certain mental health conditions. And I think with the busyness and chaoticness, so to say, of life nowadays, I think it's really easy to forget that it's important to have people around us that pour into us and to support us as well. I know that I definitely would not be where I am today without a supported community, both from my biological family, my chosen family, and. And the friends that I've made along the way.
[00:19:28] Speaker A: Wonderful.
I do see a lot of this, you know, even though we're more connected, as you've said before, I am seeing a lot more loneliness.
Are there any tips or advice that you can give people who feel that they are somewhat isolated in order to build that community around them?
[00:19:46] Speaker B: Yeah, I think first and foremost is looking at ways that you can plug into places that you're already at. Maybe you know you've got an interest or a hobby, that there are groups in your local community or even virtual community that are plugged into that interest area. If you are a business leader or business professional and you have to do networking as a part of that, are there ways that you can also build personal connection? Some of my very best friends I've met networking and people, you know that maybe you start the relationship for a professional reason, but then you find that you've got alignment in your values and your interests. So then finding ways to kind of pour into those people and when you are around people that are in your circle, staying truly connected when you're there. I think it's so easy sometimes when we're around people, just be scrolling social media or focusing on something else. But that's something I'm trying to be really intentional about is when I'm with people, really being with people. Because maybe you only get an hour to connect with friends or family each week, but if you're scrolling social media, you're not actually connected. It's kind of a waste of time. And so disconnecting from our phones or devices and whenever we're in someone's space, physically or digitally, really being attuned to what's going on and trying to find ways to build those connections, I absolutely love that.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: I would almost issue a challenge to our listeners today to next time they go to a meeting and meet somebody in the real life world, forget your phone in the car. Just leave it there and see how that changes the interaction.
Faith, what an absolute pleasure to talk to you today. I want to ask you one last question.
What would you tell 15 year old faith?
[00:21:41] Speaker B: Oh, man.
I would tell 15 year old faith that things do get better, continue to push forward, forget the dramas and stress of teenage life, and just really focus on being the best version of yourself.
Focus on the people, focus on the relationships, focus on the future, and know that high school is not where you peak. Sometimes I think we hear that sentiment of these are the best years of your life when you're a teenager. And I'm so grateful that they weren't.
And just really take it in and enjoy being a kid and enjoy the lack of responsibility that you have compared to adult life.
[00:22:26] Speaker A: Faith, I appreciate you. Thank you so much for joining us today.
[00:22:29] Speaker B: Yes, thank you so much for having me on today.
