Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Jessica, welcome aboard to the show. Such a pleasure to have you here today.
[00:00:04] Speaker B: Thank you. Glad to be on.
[00:00:06] Speaker A: I'm just going to cut right to it. You mentor children with disabilities, maybe only physical, maybe otherwise.
Tell us a story about one of the hardest, let's say, interactions that you had with one of these kids.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: You know, I was born without arms, so I know how tough of a childhood it can be to be different. And quite frankly, physicality of not having arms wasn't hard because the body can adapt. And that's what's amazing about our bodies, is we learn to use what we have. And this is all I've ever known. But the reality is being different has a lot of. Basically, there's a lot of things that are. That are related to being different. And also how does the world engages with one who is considered different. And so one of the hardest experiences I have is when I see a parent, and this particular parent was someone who thought she was doing the best thing she could for her son. She wanted. I wanted to make sure that he had every opportunity, that he was cared for at every possible need. But in the end, it actually ended up hurting him because I met with him, he was 14 years old, and he couldn't do anything for himself. And that's why I tell parents all the time the importance of tough love. It's hard to watch a child struggle. I'm not a parent of a child, but I know because I am an aunt and I watch my nieces and my single nephew struggle, and it's hard to step back and watch. But in reality, it's that them finding a way in the world and finding their own way. And sometimes it just takes sitting back, watching and seeing them struggle a little bit. But in the end, they will rise above. But in this particular situation, this mother really didn't give her child the room to grow. And by the time I met with him, he was 14. He had his mom do everything from feeding him to getting him dressed every day. And he just didn't have any sense of independence. And I've learned through my life that independence is power. It empowers you to feel like I can do this on my own. And it's amazing how it transforms one's concept of not only what they're capable of, but that sense of confidence, the sense of strength. And that's what she unknowingly and unintentionally was not allowing her son to create for himself in his own life.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: What are the kids saying? What are they sharing with you? That Their challenges are, well, kids really.
[00:02:31] Speaker B: They'Re resilient and they're so impressionable, which is why I feel such a passion for working with children with limb differences. One in 1200 children will be born with a limb difference. So it's not as rare as it may sound. But I have this passion because they really get hung up on how it is that the world reacts to them. Because we're social beings, we really get affirmed by those around us and we look to compare ourselves sometimes to others. And when you are physically different, missing a limb, or for me, like missing two limbs, it's really hard to develop that, that confidence. But when children come to me, they are in awe of what I'm able to do as the world's first armless pilot flying planes. I'm a fourth degree black belt in Taekwondo. Doing these wonderful things without the use of arms and being almost a frontier in that sense because no one has done this before without arms. It gives them a sense of they can do anything. If she can do that, then, then that, then they can do anything. And that's wonderful. But I also want to give them the sense of pride in who they are, regardless of their difference and regardless of how people react to them, that they can walk into a busy room with a lot of people, a lot of strangers, and stand confidently in their own skin, in their own difference, and not feel so self conscious and cowered down to trying to blend in with everyone by covering up the difference. And, and that's what I want to give to them. And they, and I hope that they can really gain that from an interaction with me.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: So I want to double down with you.
When children come into a room, what, what is this thing that you're talking about that they, this, this uncomfortableness. And first of all, what do they feel, how does it affect them? And then what are the tools and techniques that you share with them in order to get over it?
[00:04:15] Speaker B: I think it's important to really shift the perspective because a lot of times if you come into a room as an individual and this is something we all have at some point in our life, we feel like, oh, everyone's looking at me, oh, I look so different, or oh my gosh, they're staring at me, they're probably laughing at me or you know, noticing my difference. And one of the things I tell them is that I had to make a shift to realize that that's what everyone's thinking about themselves. They're not looking at others and really like staring at them or saying, oh, look at what they're doing or how they look, they're really worried about themselves. And when you think about that, that everyone has their own battles and everyone has their own self of sense of self consciousness, then you realize that there's nothing to be insecure about because we're all going through it. We all have something. And when we walk into that room full of strangers, everyone's thinking that everyone's staring at them for various reasons and that's our common ground and that we shouldn't let that alter our sense of self worth and self confidence.
[00:05:23] Speaker A: Jessica, you've done things that are objectively difficult. No matter where or what or how you come from, what your background is, you've. You must have figured out some, I feel bad to call them tips and tricks, but approaches to life to get hard things done.
What would you share? What, what are the things that you've learned?
[00:05:44] Speaker B: Well, I did a TV show yesterday and people, you know, they got my little video of the things that I do, clips of me flying and doing all these things without arms, and they're just like their jaws dropped and they're like, wow. And what I teach people and I want to remind them of is that resilience is a muscle. And everyone has that. It's, you know, everyone is born with a certain amount of resilience. And so we just have to really strengthen that muscle by doing things that stretch us and make us uncomfortable. And as a result, we are going to be able to do bigger and better things. And just because I happen to do things and it was a little harder or maybe a lot for what some people may think harder for me, but in reality, that was my gift in the sense that I had to figure it out. And that method of figuring out stuck with me. So that the next challenge I had a set of skills, the skills that I had to learn that now I apply to the next challenge and the next challenge, the next challenge. And the truth for everyone else is what you've learned in that resilience building is going to follow you through your life and the obstacles that you face.
[00:06:50] Speaker A: Let me go on a fishing expedition here. I'm going to guess that you have a very strong philosophy when it comes to dealing with failure and criticism.
Is that a fair statement?
[00:07:02] Speaker B: That's a fair statement because I don't believe in failure. I think that it's an opportunity to learn. And if there's something you're taking away from an experience and maybe didn't turn out the way you intended, you're still Taking away something, you're taking a skill set that you maybe shouldn't go that way about it. So it's valuable and it's something that you're going to be able to use in the future. If there's something valuable you're taking away from it, it's not failure.
[00:07:29] Speaker A: I love your perspective because for me, if you just learn something from your failure, you automatically turn it into a success, which is I think, really empowering when you think about it in that mindset. That's true, Jessica. When you think about all of your successes or achievements, big or small, what is the one that you know really makes you smile? That you think back and say, that was tough for me, but I'm so glad I did it.
[00:07:58] Speaker B: Oh, it sounds so strange because I think people already think perhaps it's some of the physical things that I've been able to do like fly an airplane solo with just my feet and nothing modified, nothing specially built, just a standard airplane the way people would fly with their hands. But I'm using my feet on the controls. I'm certified to do so. But in reality there's more of the emotional challenge of being different, of having this gift of not having arms and coming out of that shell of self consciousness to this is who I am and being a Stan for who I am every single day when I go out and meet strangers so that I can get a positive interaction and so that I can give off the vibe that hey, I'm happy and this is who I am and I'm confident about that. That whole journey, which I'm still on by the way, because I think you never quite, you know, you're always working on yourself. That for me is my pride and joy knowing that there were times when I wanted to wear a long sleeve sweater or jacket to cover up my empty sleeves. And now I can go out with a sleeveless shirt and not pay attention to how people react to me because I am carrying myself with confidence and they will react and respond in a positive way if I do.
[00:09:17] Speaker A: So I mean that that insight I think that you've reached is incredibly important for anybody that really what you are giving out to the world, you know, to a large degree what you receive is a reflection of what you're giving out. So if you come out to the world with self doubt and fear, you might get these emotions or approaches mirrored. This is just applicable for everyone no matter what. I think that's so, so interesting. I appreciate you and Jessica with extreme humbleness and may I ask your permission to share one of your more difficult moments. What is the moment that you kind of think back and like, God, that was, that was a hard time for me.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: I remember exact moments in time when I was just having a really bad day and I was having this day where woe is me. I don't want to do anything. I just kind of want to be by myself alone. And it was a day though that my mom called me up and said, you know, could you go pick up your aunt from the store? She doesn't drive but she needs a ride. And I kind of said, okay, I guess I'll do that. And that'll be it. That's all I'm doing today. I'm going to pick her up and I'm going to go and wallow in my own self pity over here in my bedroom. And I don't want to deal with being different. And so I went to the store to start the day with on a bad foot, on the wrong foot. And I walked into the store with feeling this sense of I'm having a bad day. And everyone was giving me a hard time, or at least that's what I felt that day. And I walked through the store looking for my aunt. She didn't have a cell phone. And I was just, just going through all these aisles and aisles and everyone was there, everyone was shopping, it was bulk order shopping and everyone was there with their family. And I was just like, I'm never going to find her. And then I finally thought, maybe I'll go to the cash register. And I made my way to the cash register and there were lines of people, 50 people, long lines. And I was going up and down these lines to find which cash register could she be at. She didn't have her cell phone, I couldn't reach her. So I didn't have any luck. And as I'm walking down these aisles of people standing in line at the cash register, people were staring at me. And I felt like their stares were especially powerful that day. And it was one stare after the next, after the next after the next. And I just felt like I just couldn't take it. I found a rack of clothes, clothing. And I said, okay, I'm going to go behind this rack of clothing and I'm just going to cower down because I don't want to have anyone else stare at me. And as I cowered down below behind this rack of clothing, I just remember having a moment with God saying, God, why couldn't you just make me normal? Why do I have to go through this. And I pulled myself back up from that moment. I finally found my aunt, by the way, and I drove her home. And a week later, I just had another moment at the exact same store, but this time, I was fueling up my car. I was gassing up my car. And as I'm gassing up my car, a man approaches me from behind. I'm doing this by myself, by the way. I'm holding up the gas pump with my right foot, and he comes from behind, and I don't know who this man is. And I turn around and I see him, and he has tears streaming down his cheeks. And I'm wondering, oh, what's wrong? Are you. Are you okay? And he says, do you see that car over there at the other gas pump? And I look over and he. And I said, yeah. He said, you see that girl sitting in the front seat? I said, yeah, I could see her. He said, that was my daughter. She lost a couple fingers in an accident, and she was having a hard time today. And she saw you gassing up your car without arms and thought, if you could do that, she could get through her own challenges. And it was like that hard day just a week prior disappeared because I realized that I was. God was answering my question. This is why. This is a moment for you to shift from that internal, you know, woe is me to hey, everyone has their own challenges, and everyone has something they're there dealing with, and we're all here for each other, and so don't feel alone and know that what you can do can help others. And that has been a guiding experience for me. And what I continue to do when I speak to audiences and when I meet with these young children and people who have a lot of challenges that they are overcoming in their own world.
[00:13:27] Speaker A: I think there's something, I think, fundamentally important about what you're saying from a perspective of victimism. If you perceive yourself as a victim and have no control, then that leads you to believe that there's nothing that you can do. It really disempowers yourself. But if you take the approach right, and research and kind of science calls this Pygmalion bias. If you believe that, you are not a victim. And one of my guests kind of quite aggressively said, no, Ari. Because I said, oh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. And she said, no, Ari, this happened for me.
And in that moment, I feel goosebumps just by remembering the story. What she was saying is that you need to perceive these things as happening for you. And that you have control and that you're going to basically take that next step and you're making that decision. And no, the world is not out to get you. Because if you believe that, then it's true. But if you don't believe it, it's not true.
Which is such a fundamental, I think, insight and very important to society today in general. Jessica, how about that? Let me first of all start by saying thank you to you for being so humble and honest and vulnerable. That is not an easy thing to do.
[00:14:44] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: I would like to ask you a difficult question.
If you had to go back to 20 something year old Jessica, what would you advise her?
[00:14:55] Speaker B: I think that we always want, I think more for ourselves and we always want to be better or to be fitter or in some form or another. I think it was, it would definitely be to tell my 20 something year old self that you are, you are, you are enough as you are. And in that understanding to just really embrace the moment, to say I don't need to keep striving and doing and trying to be something more. Because in our own moment, if we just embrace that and say that we are enough in our own selves in this moment and it's, you know, to just embrace that moment in that time instead of always having to work towards something, I think it's a wonderful understanding of self and an appreciation of where you are, when you are and at whatever point in life it is. And if you can just embrace that and enjoy it, then it's. I think that's what I would love to tell myself is, you know, enjoy where you are right now in that very moment. You may have great goals and striving to do some wonderful things in the world, but it's okay to appreciate and enjoy that moment.
[00:16:09] Speaker A: Absolutely.
And when you think about the future, what are the next things that you have in plan?
[00:16:17] Speaker B: I have always have a lot of plans in mind and always thinking big and thinking about things beyond what I've already done. And I think for me it's definitely sharing that empowerment with children. I have a passion for talking and being present with kids and children because I just love them and I love how open they are, how impressionable they are, how honest they are. And so I think I'm going to continue to help build the confidence in so many children who are struggling with that for various reasons, many of them being either born in a situation where they don't have a limb or a disability of some sort. So I think that's one of my goals is to continue to instill that sense of self worth and confidence and help facilitate that in some form and fashion.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: Do you work with companies and organizations that are not necessarily dealing with physical challenges? Do you think those lessons are applicable as well?
[00:17:24] Speaker B: Yes. And that is my focus, that's my full time job is I am and have been for 18 years speaking in 29 countries around the world to corporations that really need the adaptability mindset, this mindset of not only accomplishing great things, but that adaptability of being the best version of themselves and understanding that it is within reach, that it is possible and they can achieve things that maybe they didn't imagine in their own lives to be the best version of themselves. And so I will continue to do that work full time. It's taken me again almost 30 countries now and it's been such a special gift for the visual of myself standing on stage without arms to tell them I fly a plane for them to really digest what that means in their own life and what does that mean and what they can achieve and how the companies can be better and stronger and also recognize that there are people with disabilities in one in five people will have a disability at some point in their lifetime and how to normalize that and appreciate that.
[00:18:33] Speaker A: I'm sure that your audience come back or in community come back and share stories about how you've impacted them. What are some of the things that you've heard?
[00:18:43] Speaker B: I know a couple of people have come back to me to say, you know what, I was really terrified of the concept of flying just like you were, and I went ahead and became a helicopter pilot or I went out and did it anyway. And those are very valuable to hear that these people have overcome their own fears to do something. And then companies like just yesterday someone came up to me and said, I still remember that line you said. And I still remember when you brought the volunteer up from the audience who was totally clueless as to what you challenged them to do. And then when they conquered it in front of all of their colleagues, it was an unforgettable moment. And 10, 15 years later, people still remember that moment of that colleague showing the entire company that they could do it and as a representation of each individual there that they could do something. And that's a very special transformational moment that I'm able to witness. Totally don't know how it goes. It just happens right there on stage in front of everyone. And that's the gift to the company and to what they think is possible.
[00:19:46] Speaker A: Do you think that There is the reason. I mean, I'm trying to think about it. People are maybe afraid of doing things that they believe they will fail at. I've seen this a lot, especially in corporate America, where people just don't want to do things if they're not sure they're going to be successful.
What is your advice? Is this a broken company culture? Is this something in the American culture? Is this how we perceive failure? Like, how do we think about this creating an environment where people aren't afraid to fail?
[00:20:18] Speaker B: Well, first of all, it's like we talked about earlier, is understanding failure is not failure if you take something valuable away from it. So knowing it's not a risk, instead, it is a growth opportunity. And that growth mindset, that that's how we grow and that's how we learn. And, hey, if you do fail, fail fast. If you do, if you don't succeed, okay, take what's valuable from this, whatever lesson you've gained and move on instead of really stagnating and worrying about, am I going to make the same mistake? So that fear of taking risk has to be eliminated. Fear in itself, as our Zig Ziglar has said, stands for false evidence appearing real. So it's like really understanding how it is to combat fear, how to combat taking risk, and the fear of taking risk and understanding that failure is a learning opportunity, it helps us to grow. And we all failed so many times as children. It's just evidence of how we learned not to do the things that we avoid doing as adults. And it's just. It's. It's just really shifting that perspective.
[00:21:27] Speaker A: I love that I want to talk about something that honestly petrifies me personally.
And you went ahead and wrote your book, and the book is called disarm your limits, which is absolutely. I love the. I personally love fun humor. So I thought that was delightful. What. What was the moment in time that you said to yourself, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna write a book? And why?
[00:21:52] Speaker B: Strange thing about that. It took me seven years because I always. I was really focused in on what if that title doesn't work? Or what if that chapter doesn't fit there? It's this focus of perfection. And the perfection.
Perfection doesn't exist. If we were so focused on making it perfect, it would never get accomplished. And I think I had to overcome that. That something is better than continuing to strive for perfection. Having something is more powerful. And so finally I said, I need to just get this done. I mean, I've gone through, like, 15 possible titles and attempts at writing a book. I'm just going to get it done. It's going to get out there and it's going to be helping others, which is better than not existing at all and waiting for the perfect time, waiting for the perfect outline or waiting for everything to be perfect. Because it's not. It's not about that. It's about accomplishing and doing it and having it out there for others. And that's why it took seven years to finally sit down and write this out. But once I was done, I realized what a gift it is to so many who've heard me speak and wanted to take something home, to someone who's struggling, who needs a little bit of encouragement, and to pass it on to a loved one or someone who has a disability. And it's just a gift to be able to continue doing that.
[00:23:07] Speaker A: I love that there's this concept of that the great is the enemy of the good. Right? That if you're trying to be absolutely perfect, you might not get anywhere at all. I think that's such a wonderful insight. And you wrote a book, but you also put out a movie that's a whole different level of scary. I can only imagine.
Tell us that story. How did that come to life?
[00:23:33] Speaker B: Well, I definitely don't get all that credit because, yes, I was the subject of the documentary called Right Footed, but the director, Nick Spark, he did a phenomenal job of making that happen. And so it's available now for anyone who wants to watch it for free on Amazon Prime. And I gotta say, having cameras follow you around for a long period of time, there had to be moments where I said, okay, I need to be with myself and I need to have time for myself. Because until you really, really experience it, you don't know what it's like to have a camera follow you just constantly. And I recognized the importance of having balance. And I was able to find balance. And I saw this beautiful documentary come together in a way that I would have never expected the director would have never expected. And it has now been shared in over 80 countries on national Geographic, had so many awards, but it's really touched people in a different means. It's by watching this beautiful piece put together by Nick and showing the life of myself and my husband, Patrick, and how we live together. I had gone and reached and touched others in Ethiopia and the Philippines, trying to speak with senators in Washington, D.C. about an international disability treaty. It even captured our wedding together, which is enough for one to celebrate your wedding and then to have a film crew capture all of that was. There's some special moments in there, I must say, but it is a really beautiful piece to be a part of something that is touching others around the world.
[00:25:10] Speaker A: That's. That's absolutely amazing.
Jessica, I am so truly grateful. You know, we don't when we impact other people's lives and we put our message out there, we don't always know how much good we're delivering because it doesn't come back to you. But I just want to say thank you so much for delivering your message. I think it's incredibly important and incredibly valuable.
And I really appreciate you coming on the show today. Thank you so much.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: Thank you. And for what you're doing, thank you so much, too.
[00:25:40] Speaker A: Absolutely.
